Helping addicted adult kids

I can’t count the number of times I’ve said ” this is it” in anger.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve said “I’ve finally let go” in desperation.
I can’t count the times I have allowed my feelings to dictate what I knew better than to do.

It always got me in trouble.

I don’t know what changed or if it has truly changed, or if I’ve only changed concerning my son. But the day did come when, with no anger, no desperation, no guilt even, I could send him on his way. It has been a year or close to it, and I still have no regrets.

I believe that we all do what we think we have to do at the time. That is neither right or wrong. It’s simply where we are at this precise moment.
Some of us have the means to provide whatever our adult child needs.
Some of us don’t and maybe that factors in greatly concerning what we will do or won’t do for our kids. As the old saying goes, you simply can’t get blood from a turnip.

Our makeup often determines just how much we will take and for how long. It also determines just how deeply we feel pain for our children. Another thing I believe factors in is our thinking–what exactly is our thinking when we do these things for our children? Is it to help us feel better? Is it so we don’t feel guilt? Is it because we want to save face?

To be perfectly honest, back when we did so much for my son the main thing in my mind was for him to be a NORMAL person, to have a chance to move forward in life, to be somebody and to take care of himself.

Well, as long as I helped him, he had no motivation to do anything but what he was already doing. In fact, even without my help, he isn’t doing any better–so, what’s the upside to not helping?

I have less worries, I have a few more dollars in my pocket and I am much less stressed.

I believe my son has much more going with his life than addiction. However, I cannot fix those problems either. We’ve put him in treatment many times, but he refused to take what was offered and use it.
I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make him drink. I got tired to trying.

I’ve learned: Don’t build up expectations. In my experience, rules, regulations and ultimatums never worked.

Another thing I’ve learned the hard way is not to make decisions or say things when I’m angry. Anger is an emotion and as such, it leaves often as quickly as it came. I am learning to keep quiet until I can calm down and think the situation through with a clear head. No, I don’t always do this–but I do it a lot more than I used to do it.

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