Heart Murmers

I left a group this week. Just went to the home page, clicked the leave group button and poof I was gone from a group I had poured a lot of my time and soul into for 4 years.
The only two people who really give a rat’s ass that I am gone have contacted me and for them, I am grateful.
The others…well, I suppose I know what they really think about me.

I thought long and hard about this decision. I’d been angry a number of times, thought about leaving, but like with marriage, I let it blow over. Time always takes care of the little nit picky things that bug us…but it became a constant battle to overlook the sarcastic jabs, the hurtful remarks, the inconsideration, the idea that some knew more about what would offend than I, myself, did. Still, the delete is so handy when one is involved in a cyber relationship. It’s also very, very easy to sit at our computers and pour out our heartfelt concern, our well wishes, our platitudes…and all the time we could be flipping that person the bird or snickering over their predicament.

Much more is involved when the body must go into motion to carry out what the mouth/fingers are saying.

So why does this eat at me?

Even though I feel strongly that leaving is what was right for me to do…why do I feel off center? Grieving for one thing. A person doesn’t pour themselves into anything and not feel something when they walk away from it; even when the walking is the best thing at the time.

Hurt plays a factor also. The written words on the screen, from day to day, led me to believe those women liked me; cared about what happened to me….but as I looked back, I see their love, their caring, their words were simply words typed out at the moment to present themselves as compassionate people. True, at the moment I cared, but in the long run not so much because I am so much different than them. I work. I farm. I garden. I am poor. I attend church. I believe. I have faith. I only have a high school education academically.

While others miss a few days of posting and they fall all over themselves to find out why, I miss a whole week and not a word is said.
While some go through health issues and daily questions are asked, they patiently wait for updates, I laid in bed for a month with a very few check ins and my name was never mentioned. I was not missed by the majority.

That speaks volumes.

So…as I look at my world…fake friends online, crazy daughter who is getting herself into only God knows what, alcoholic son who seldom contacts us…today is the day to let it all go. To thank God for those friends who are real and true that I have…the few online and the few in real life…today is the day!

Yesterday was the day too when I told Stacie that someone needed to take her to the back forty with a long switch and not bring her back until the switch was a toothpick. Furthermore, since I raised her sorry ass, maybe I need that same beating and while we’re at it…maybe they need to run with the girls so I don’t ruin them like I did Stacie.


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