Ana has a friend-BJ living with them. Not as a boyfriend, but as a friend who seemed to have problems with dad. Mom helped out with groceries–but BJ is 18 and didn’t seem to want to do much other than ride the roads and sleep. He had only been there maybe a month on a trial basis…maybe longer.
I had noticed, as had Terry that he would be gone at night when we were up/driving by or whatever reason gave us opportunity to see what vehicles were up the hill…but his truck was usually home all day or if I asked about Shandi about him she would say he’s sleeping.
Last Friday I decided I needed to talk to him. I told Ana my need, I also told her that if he didn’t start doing something constructive–school, GED, job, helping clean house and yard he would have to leave. He kept avoiding me.
Finally on Monday evening I saw his folks car up there so up I went.
I told them what I had told Ana–and that I felt he was avoiding me. He said he wasn’t avoiding anyone and began to thrash around on the bed crying, then he got up and walked out of the room. Mom said she understood and they had come to pack him up and take him home. So I said my good’byes, they thanked me for allowing him to try to be an adult and I left.
On Tuesday Shandi said BJ’s dad had come back over later that night and they had talked some more.
Tuesday evening after Terry came in, we saw a law car driving by, followed by two other trucks. We looked and they were heading up to Ana’s. Ana wasn’t home, she was still at school or on her way home and Shandi was with us. We didn’t know BJ or his girlfriend were up there–(his gf isn’t quite 17 yet)
We walk up, are told they are looking for BJ in connection with some thefts, have I seen anything in the house or around the house–he names off a 4 wheeler, lawnmower and big screen tv. I told him that I saw a big screen TV in BJ’s room the past week and was told he got it from a friend.
They asked permission to go in–I walk in and show them BJ’s room and the little dude is laying in there asleep with his GF. One of the lawmen (there were 4) woke him and then questioned him at length, ending in arresting him. His GF told us that BJ and his mom and dad had been at the sheriff’s office several hours trying to clear all this mess up.
Later on I hear that BJ confessed to stealing the 4 wheeler but no one will tell where it is.
The GF said BJ’s dad got the big screen tv the night before, but I don’t know what he did with it.
Kinley, the GF, was taken to Children’s services because she isn’t 17. The deputy who talked with her said she obviously had a rough family life–in fact, Ana took her to Children’s services to try and get temporary custody of her so she could come back up here. We like her, she goes to school and works hard…dad and mom are on drugs. Dad came to CS, but refused a drug test and mom didn’t come. There is a younger brother who is 12, with Chron’s disease. Mom seldom sends him to school. There is an older sister who showed out with CS also, screaming and cussing. Kinley went home with a cousin, but we don’t know how permanent that is.
Last night we went out to eat with some friends who live around the corner from us–we were telling them and Alex said..man we need to come hang with ya’ll. It’s boring at our house, but ya’ll always have excitement. LOL
Anyway, I’m glad BJ is gone since he was up to no good like I thought. I’m glad Ana wasn’t implicated in the stealing, as well as Shandi. Shandi said none of the girls ever went with BJ when he would be gone all night.
On the other hand–I’ve taken another run of antibiotic and last night I shook a hard chill. Today I’ve kept Ibuprofen in me, and am really sore in my lower lung area. I’ll check with the doc if it doesn’t improve. I can’t seem to get totally over this mess this year.

Response to a hurting friend

A friend posted she felt like a failure as a mom…my reply:
I felt like a failure also–then I began to look around and I saw many families with 2 children; both raised in good homes, both raised exactly the same–one stayed on the straight & narrow; the other went down the wrong path. We raise our kids the best we know how. We make mistakes; but so did our own parents. Then each of us reach an age of accountability–with God, with self, with life. That is where the choices often made are the wrong choices. I was one told that: unless I held my child down and forced drugs (or whatever) into them, I didn’t cause it, unless I locked them in a cage and threw away the key I couldn’t control them, and unless I was God (and I’m not) I couldn’t cure their problem–whatever that problem might be. I spent years blaming others for my children’s mistakes & problems. It was never any one else’s fault. It was always choices each of my children made.

Not to blame

Reading from Hazelden a while back:

I Did Not Cause It

I did not cause my child to become an addict. As a parent, I don’t possess that power.

When my children were little, I imagined I had all kinds of power. I could decide when it was time for their nap–but they might play in their cribs instead of sleeping. I could serve up a healthy dinner–but if they didn’t want to eat the small mound of lima beans on their plates, They Did Not! I could teach my children right from wrong and good from bad, but my word alone often wasn’t enough, and they experimented to see how those rights and wrongs worked. It soon became clear that while I could be their guide, my children were going to be who they were meant to be. My real power as a mother was simply to love them. (And to annoy them and make them mad.) As a parent, I was perceived to be too nosey, too clingy, and, on occasion, not clingy enough. I hurt my children’s feelings. I made them feel angry, sad, unheard, and misunderstood. At times I hovered like a helicopter mom–at other moments I might have flown too far away.

I am an imperfect mom. But imperfect parenting does not cause children to become addicts.

If that were so, every child would grow up to be an addict.

Too many people are spoiling their existence carrying needless guilt and shame.