It was the most exciting, it was the most stressful

Lots of stuff going on at church, still concerning the secretary job-former secretary wants job back, says she was asked to resign. Not to my knowledge.
Just finished a year of IV meds, still have odd things in my lungs and an ongoing cough. Thankfully a 10 day run of meds took care of that.
Ana has been staying with a friend, ‘girl’, just a few miles down the road. She calls it trying it for adulthood. The girl has a mother. The girl has a job. Ana continues to attend school.
Last week she went to New Orleans to a Rave….got a ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant. **sigh**
This week was prom…beautiful dress, beautiful girl, beautiful nails and on prom day beautiful hair do and backing out of the parking spot hits the tail of an asshole…of course the card in the card proving insurance is expired. I am at work, can’t leave to come get the right one, so the officer gives me till Monday. I go fine until it’s all over…then I have an anxiety attack to beat all anxiety attacks. I’m surprised I made it the rest of the evening at work, but I did. My mind keeps telling me what if something got screwed up, what if she loses her license, what if, what if, what if…I get home and find the proof of insurance so I calm down some
Ana gets here, paw gets here, we take pictures, I blow up FB with them; because all I’ve ever seen is everyone else’s beautiful child all over FB; we leave taking her to prom–her request, get almost there, we’ve left her ticket at home. We drive 15 miles back for the ticket, finally get her to prom, go to town for something to eat cause she wants to be picked up in an hour…and finally we are home and in bed.
Saturday, work.
Saturday morning before work I go to see if my deposit slip is at church. No, summary sheet is, no copy of deposit slip. I asked counting lady, (former secretary) and she get all upset because she knows she put it on there.
Sunday it is there with her note that apparently it got pulled off before she brought it to the church.
Worked 4 hours at cleaners, worked 4 hours at church…get up this morning and Black Light is performing–and I’m part of it.
I sit down to eat breakfast and have an attack of nerves I guess. Been having them–back or legs will suddenly feel as though I’m sitting in a fire ant bed, but no signs of skin distress. It escalates until I’m about ready to claw my skin off, cry, scream or something. I’ve tried Benadryl cream, Gold Bond cream, lotion, Hemorrhoid cream, and alcohol. If I take a Xanax it will calm down in about 10 minutes so I think it’s nerves. This has been going for about as long as long as former secretary has resigned…and they get worse and worse.
I’m gonna try to see a doc tomorrow or Tuesday about it.
Add insult to injury…all my church friends, all of my group friends comment on how nice Ana looks, except former secretary. How can a person who claims to be Christian be so mean?
***sigh****

Freedom

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For over a year I’ve had a PIC line in through which I received IV antibiotics for Mycobacterium lung disease. I took various antibiotics, several of which made me deathly ill, one damaged my hearing, so I ended up on Zithromycin for about a year.

PIC line is gone, PTL.
However, there are spots in my lungs that were not there last time I saw him-which was late last year. He says some of it is pneumonia; some may be mycobacterium–but some appears to be different and may be something that has become resistant and has broken off.
I have an oral antibiotic to take, if i can possibly tolerate it, Cepro, and if I feel better after taking that, come back in 3 months. If I don’t get better, call and come on in. I got him some sputum to have tested but may still have to do the scope if the meds don’t clear me up.
He also did not like the sound of my heart valves–I have mitral valve prolapse–so sent me for an echocardiogram. Of course, blood drawn.
Right now I’m eating yogurt and I’ve restocked my probiotics and  am preparing my stomach for this new med. Praying I can tolerate it, praying it does it’s work.
I did enjoy my first hindrance free shower this morning in over a year. 😀 :D. I told Ella, pastor’s wife and precious friend, that I scrubbed everything twice, shaved everything good, and just enjoyed not having to worry about wetting a bandage.

Let Go

This was posted in a group this evening. I read it and realized how applicable it was to any situation where there is a break in the relationship. It may be your spouse, your son or daughter, a grandchild, mother, father, sister, brother—or it may simply be a fractured friendship; whatever the situation you are struggling with—God is saying, Let Go and Let Me take care of the person, the situation, you. It really spoke to me in several areas of my life, both past and present.

A letter from God

You want to hear from Me about letting your son go. You are not abandoning him, as much as it may feel like it. You are simply transferring his wellbeing from your care to Mine.

It was never My intention for you to direct, guide, and control his life. That is My role. Yours in the beginning was to love him, protect him, and teach him. You’ve done that. He was never yours to keep.

To have peace, you must let him go. Your stubborn self-will only gets in the way of the plans I have for him.

I know it is not your intention to interfere, but you are. You arenot all-wise and all-powerful. You cannot remove his disease. You cannot love him to wellness. Only I can do that.

You must trust that I care for your son’s wellbeing. You must trust that I love him more than your humanly love. My thoughts, My ways, My plans are bigger than you can comprehend. Your lives are so short, yet you waste so much in worry and fear.

Yes, your son may cut his life short. That is not My intention, but it is his choice. He must trust Me also, and seek to have a relationship with Me. Only then can I work in his life. I will not force Myself on him or you. I am more than willing to be involved in your lives, but only to the degree you let Me. We both know what a struggle trusting Me has been for you.

You can’t make it any easier for your son to trust Me. He has to find Me on his own, and he’s doing that to the best of his ability. Let him do that. Get out of the way. Love him as My child, the way I love you. But let him go so that he can be himself, whoever that may be.

We’re in this together. You can come to Me anytime to tell Me your worries and concerns. I’ll listen. I always have. But I may choose to be silent. That’s My way of stretching you and growing you.

I know you love your son, and I love you for that. But ultimately, he is My child, and I know what’s best for him. Entrust him to Me and you will grow. You will find the peace you want. You have so much in your own life to focus on. Focus on growing yourself, and let Me worry about your son.

I have learned

I have learned to make every effort no to over-react to actions or statements made by others.
I have learned that I’m not responsible for the choices other people make, even though they want to blame me.

I have learned that what others think of me is absolutely none of my business. I can’t control their thoughts or actions.

I have learned to let go of the things I have done in the past as well as the things others have done—whether to me or simply to themselves.

I have learned to do the best I can to keep my focus on me and my relationship with God and not on others and their relationship with God.

I have learned that while ‘I have learned’ these things, I sometimes stumble and fall.

But I have also learned that with God all things are possible.

Thank you, God.